??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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