Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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