We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
We waved. But it was a "let's hook up" wave.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
