I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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