I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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