The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
So squirting runs in the family.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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