Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
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