Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
