Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I pour the whiskey from now on
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Randomize
