it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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