I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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