it hurts more in the daytime
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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