My liver just broke up with me...
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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