I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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