Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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