Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
home. only unpacked the necessities...contact case and beer.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
