oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
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