Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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