you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
