i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
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