Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
