what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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