ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
