Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
he shaved USA in his pubs
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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