i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
