Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
