Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
