Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
Randomize
