for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Randomize
