My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
Randomize
