he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize