my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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