why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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