Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
