Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize