when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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