you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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