For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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