You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
