You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
