a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
Randomize
