Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
pop tarts are not kleenex
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Boobs are out for the taking
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
