Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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