why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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