Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
