I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
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