This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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