If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
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