I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
