I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
