were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
