Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Randomize