: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
