im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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