Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize