I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
