wakey wakey hands off snakey
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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