Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
