I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
